Monday, January 11, 2010

Mickey Goodmill Never Did This.....An Invisible Jukebox. Sort Of.

Whiles out on my morning jog (new years resolutions 'n alls) I came up on these 2 goobs just off East Lehigh & up Memphis what was sittin in a car huffin glue. Normally I wouldn't give 2 shits about this kinda thing, but the car was still runnin & as I got's right on'em I could clearly make out 'Summer Things'. They was blarin the Tyvek cd & gettin sauced! So bein an officer of the law like I sort've am- strictly rogue capacity on this-I flashed some offical lookin shit & scared they's little toasted noses almost plum off their muddled heads. But after I got my jollies funnin w/'em I invited'em back to do some record reviewin. I's jusy don't have it in me to breakdown alls these 7" records what's flooded in, so's let me introduce you's all to Doug Colson & Arch Clarrey, 2 of the Fishtown's finest.

Doug Colson-So whats youse got ta drink 'round here? (Opens the fridge, picks up a bottle of Chesterfield Ale) Oh look Arch, it's da Lord. Yo Roland, mind if we's helps ourselves?

SILTBREEZE MODERATOR-Not at all, my pleasure.

DC-(grabs & opens 2 beers, kicks closed the fridge w/the back of his foot) Your right (hands Clarrey a beer) it is your pleasure! (they laugh & fistbump each other)

SILTBLOG MODERATOR-Have a seat you two (Woodbe & the boys all sit around the kitchen table, then Woodbe goes over to turntable & play the 1st record).

Population 1280-Bedbugs/Times Square (self released)

Arch Clarrey-Oh dear, theres dat hulkin bass & spidery guitar. Somebody's got a Birthday Party record.

DC-Oh yea, 'cept nems vocals 'n lyrics is too serious. At least Nick Cave an Anita Lane wrote some funny songs. Absurd youse might say.

AC-Oh yea, nems is too serious for sure. On second thought, it's more like The Moodists. Like 'Thirsty's Callin', minus nems horns.

DC-Good one Arch (he reaches over table, they clink bottles), guy even sound like Dave Graney too. Youse know what else theys like? (Pauses, takes a long pull on his beer, sets it down & crosses hs arms) Inca Babies.

AC (almost does a spit take, recovers ) Oh my God Dougie, youse taken me back wit dat one (they high five each other)! Fuckin Inca Babies, jesus. Wow, nems is for the da ages dere, dey was like a Birthday Party Tribute band. Inca Babies….So Roland where's dis Population 1280 band from? Texas, like in the book?


AC/DC (in unison) Oh.

AC-In that case nems is totally original. Every band up dere is.

DC-Yea, nems bands up dere, well, what can youse say, it's the biggest suburb in New York. Play somethin from somewhere else. I ain't one much for suburbs.

Puffy Areolas-Lutzko Lives/Bowel Movement (Columbus Discount)

AC (listening close) I gots ta say, nems is totally unhinged. Is this on Mystic?

SILTBLOG MODERATOR-No, they're a current band, it's Puffy Areolas, from Ohio.

DC-Whose this Lutzko? Must be a Zombie or a biker or sumthin. It says "Lutzko Lives' like he was meant to be dead but ain't. I know a few of nems round here (laughs, fistbumps Clarrey)

AC-Yea, the singers got a creepy little voice, like Chuckie & nat one nat sings for Mentally Ill.

DC-Your right! It's a good tune, but this Bowel Movemnt one, deys lost me der.

AC- Could be about heroin? Or nems Dilaudids. Nems'll really bind ya up. Takin a dump is like heaven!

DC-Oh yea, could be, I sees what youse sayin. Yea, that voice made it sound sorta "inside", likes it was alls a joke. Raven it says….is he like Zackerly or the Ghoul?

SILTBLOG MODERATOR-Not exactly. He's sort've a cult hero to some. Psych guitar player, etc. Made a private press lp that's very big w/the Acid Archives crowd.

DC-Oh yea? Hey, youse drive me back overs to my place & I'll show youse some acid archives (much laughter, high fives & finger pistols abound)!

Pheromoans-Open For Business ep (Yakisakana)

DC (picks up the sleeve, has a long look, pulls on his beer, sighs) I reckon any British band what's gonna hiccup along the Country & Northern scheme've can't keeps but to sound like a little Link Wray & nems Falls. In a way nems Falls ruined it for everybody else, back in the day anyways. Theys was so unique & cut off from alls the rest over dere. Marchin to the beat of nems own drums 'n all.

AC (slides the sleeve over for a look, pushes it away) Yea, but these fellas ain't exactly like that is dey? I mean, nems got their own sound. It's kinda wobbly, kinda jerky, like a combo of speed & lager. Like a functional alchoholic methhead givin a presentation.Like Dougie here (laughs & zips a bottle cap across the room at DC).

DC-Oh yea (makes mock laughing face), well your Mom don't seem to have a problem w/it (laughs & points finger at Clarrey), least not last night no ways. But yea, I sees what Arch is sayin. Is it gonna be that every good band that steps sideways over there in England is gonna have to be called the new Fall? Fuck that! Nems Pheromoans got a good sound & sure, maybe nems owe a debt to MES & co., but then why not dissect every band whats listened to a Velvet Undergound record while we's at it? Or Beatles? Jesus H. Christ on the fuckin cross, let's just take it all back to Bill Haley & nems Comets. It's all their fault.

AC-Fuck the 50's! Yea, an fuck Richie Cunningham! Potsie…..I bet he sat on it every chance he got (laughs).

DC-(laughing) I got somethin Joanie can sit on right here (points both index fingers towards his crotch).

AC-I hear ya Dougie! (they fistbump).

The Get Offs-Airplane Fight/Drunk (no label)

AC-Hey, two things we's love to do (laughs), right Dougie?

DC-Oh yea. But nowadays, getting into an airplane fight's worse than sucker punchin a Giants fan at nems Eagles game.

AC-(takes in the 1st song) I like nems Get Offs. It's gotta super amateur sound on the Airplane Fight song for sure. Way mores hetero than Beat Happening, sorta like Pastels if they'd made a record for Rip Off.

DC (whistles loudly) Bravo Arch, youse really pulled one outta yr ass on dat one. I hear ya! The 'Drunk' song sounds like a mysterious Ron House band after Great Plains & before nems Slave Apartments.

AC (returning from fridge w/2 new bottles of beer) I'll drink to that! (they clink bottles).

Adam Payne-Maybelline Weeks ep (Malt Duck)

DC (listens intently as the 1st side plays through) Yo Roland, youse sayin this guy is from Residual Echoes?

SILTBLOG MODERATOR-Yes, but that was a while ago.

DC- I guess so! This is some real DIY pop goin on, like a bizarre cross between Flying Nun & SST.

AC-Oh yea, like nems Angst meets the Clean!

DC-It kinda blows whats all nems novice critics claimin alls these new bands is like the Clean. Most of it's pure shit, but youse gotta admit, on here Arch's got a valid claim.

AC-I ain't sayin I WANT it to be like that. But it is! Ain't no denyin it. Listen to that b-side, it's like he morphed Tally Ho 'n Oddity into one song.

DC-Well, I hear whats lots of kids is just now hearin some of that Flyin Nun stuff for the 1st time. But who's listenin to Angst nowadays?

AC-You mean besides you (winks, "shoots" Colson w/finger pistol)?

DC-Touche, douchebag. It ain't a bad record though, is it? Ain't the most original record I's ever heard, but hey, youse look at nems Clean & alls theys done. Nems is like the Marines, or 101st Airborne when it comes to pop music. This Adam Payne's more like…..the National Guard. It still defends!

AC-Or like one of nems rogue cops what gets his kicks harrassin plain ol' folks just tryin to have a good time. Like him (points at Roland Woodbe).

DC-Yea (breaks a beer bottle on the side of the table & waves it) maybe Mr. Undercover fuckin asshole here needs his fuckin ass kicked, right Arch? Wastin our mornin on this record bullshit….

SILTBLOG MODERATOR (Woodbe whips out a Glock 9mm pistol replete w/silencer & points it at the hoodlums) Let's wrap it up, whatya say fellas? Otherwise the only asses gettin kicked are gonna be the ones I shoot off your fuckin faces w/this pistol. Now get the fuck outta my house before I drop you's both & leave yr scag bodies to rot behind the Acme. Don't think this is a fuckin joke (RW aims pistol & cocks hammer. AC & DC run off the premises & down the street like they was shot out've a cannon. So much for singles roundup).

Moral Of This Story; Joggin is overrated. Join a gym. Or eat less or somethin. And not all glue sniffers is Tyvek fans. Some of'em prefer Eat Skull (Ding!) but I think that's more of a Kensington thing.

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